Why I write (warning: long ramble)
It's true that I had dreamed once, when I was a child, to become a great author. But if I do some soul searching I realize that isn't true anymore, not now. Actually, when I imagine to be a published, successful author, I am close to freaking out. I couldn't handle it right now.
So, why do I write?
When I'd just learned how to write and couldn't even spell the words right, I was spellbound by Star Trek: The Original series. But I already understood that someone had written down the episodes before they were shown on TV. The idea that someone could create the adventures of the Enterprise appeared so grand and world-changing to me, I sat down to write my own adventure. I dimly remember it started with an alarm in the engine-room. Fan fiction was an unknown word to me, but I felt a strong need to create something exciting. I read my two or three pages to my family. Of course, my parents approved of my efforts. My brother laughed hard. I didn't try again for years.
In the fifth grade we read a prose version of "A Midsummer Night's Dream". I liked the story and wrote spontaneously a 'What if' story. Don't ask me how it differed from the original, I don't remember. I took the piece to my teacher, in the vague hope that he would tell me if it is good or bad. I suppose I also wanted 'technical' help. Instead he asked me to read it to the class. Unfortunately it was the wrong approach, I was (and am) very shy and the other kids were not appreciative. I didn't try again for years.
Still, I dreamed together stories for myself, usually 'What if' versions and crossovers of books and movies I liked. But I never tried to write then down. Who wanted to see this?
Ten years later I discovered the 'net and fan fiction. Here was the proof that I wasn't the only one to enjoy this kind of recreation. I became a fan of fan fiction. But for a long time I only read it, didn't write. I felt like blocked. English isn't my first language and I thought – and still think – that it is better not to write than write bad.
The first chink in this armor was role playing. I was a more or less frequent visitor on message boards where people via role playing created their own interactive fan stories. I was drawn in. There it didn't matter so much if your spelling and style was perfect or not. It mattered that you participated and added interesting twists to the story without forcing the other players' characters. I liked it, I still like it very much and I only don't role play anymore this way because I had to seriously cut down the time I am spending online.
In any case it lowered my inhibition to write. And recently, this year, I decided to try and write my own fan fiction. But it proved to be very hard.
Though I have countless ideas and whole stories in my head, I have severe difficulties to write them down. There is chaos in my mind.
Let me explain. I don't think and dream in words and sentences. My stories consist of images (I am a highly visual type), smells and sounds mixed with emotions and associations. And I feel clueless how to express this chaos in words.
Nonetheless I want to express myself, to make these stories real not only for me, but also for those outside.
That's the reason I write. Maybe I will be content to only write fan fiction. I don't see a problem with it. Maybe I will write original fiction in the future. Who knows? Maybe I will want more some day, want to publish a book; I don't know yet.
But I know why I write now, to form the chaos of my mind into stories.
Mood:
thoughtful