Kyrre's Entries - 22.11.2002

Dreaming of ASP

So I went to bed early yesterday evening in the hope to get up a bit sooner than usual. A futile effort. Even after nine hours of sleep I was no more inclined to get up in the morning than during the last days. Maybe it's really the season and my body insists on its share of winter sleep. Plus, I dreamed the whole night, or so it appears to me. Usually I don't remeber night's dreams, only those when I am doozing only half-asleep. I was dimly aware that I was dreaming, not that this helped me a bit. I dreamed of ASP code, especially different loop constructs and recordset objects and what not. Interestingly I didn't perceive the code as black text on white but as dimly yellow-white glow hanging in a void. The void wasn't a cold black but rather dark brown and warm. Later on I became somehow part of the code and was caught in a loop of some sort.

It wasn't a nightmare as they happen so often to me when I am deeply caught in a subject and doing nothing else during the day. My slightly uncomfortable feeling came from the realization that I was too close to wakefulness. That's probably the reason that I felt stiff in the morning and my back hurt.

Until now I haven't much to do today. Most of the time I spent doing administrative stuff and planning. Well, it's Friday.

Looking back at October 2002

It's rather late for that, I know. But at the start of November I was too much down to reflect properly about the last month.

In the ways of writing it was a poor month. Only 4200 words worth of journal entries. No writing beside of it. November won't be different, I'm afraid. My friend suggested to me that I am trying to hard, making writing a burden instead of enjoying it. Maybe.

Certainly part of the problem is my perfectionist drive. Why doing something of poor quality or with less than full effort? Actually that's ridiculous because the sentiment disregards that I learn by practising and have a demanding day job.

I have noticed that I am starting to withdraw from the Forward Motion community. It's sad but currently I feel I don't belong there anymore. Most of it's member, at least the visible ones, pursue writing with a passion. I admire them for that, but it leaves me with a feeling of lacking.

Lacking, because I don't seem able to make time for writing.
Lacking, because even if there is the time I can't sit down and write.
Lacking, because my word count is always poor.
Lacking, because I can't finish anything.
Lacking, because now even my imagination seems to have dried up.

And 'lacking' is the one thing I can't stand in me.

Mood: sad