A week ago I would have said that 2002 was my year of depression and some times of being deeply unhappy with myself. Now I have found a bit distance and can also see the good sides.
It was a year of personal growth. I learned a lot, won on confidence and self-respect. I made headway in my job and have now reached a point where work is interesting, challenging and immensely satisfying. I have become more efficient and my job performance considerable better during the year.
I started to take fitness seriously and the visits in the gym resulted in some muscles where I had mostly skin and bones before.
I finished the July-August-Dare and realized that 1000 words a day are possible. I have build the core of my fantasy world and finished the drafts of two short stories.
I think I had more emotional lows this year than ever before. And they were not balanced out by the same numbers of ups. In the first half of the year they resulted mostly from the feeling of inadequacy, of being not up to the demands of the job. Then the job itself appeared to be in danger. As the situation started to look better I succumbed to the stress of deadlines.
Now, that my work situation looks better I'm having the problem of not being able to separate the demands of work from my personal life. Problems tend to follow me home, I can't disconnect from the projects. Instead relaxing and doing what I like I mull over deadlines and whatever. It wears me down.
Not surprisingly my hobbies are neglected. I still cling to journaling, but even in this I had more missed days than I feel comfortable with. Writing has come to a point there I'm thinking about giving it up. The same it's with a website I maintain. The last update was in August. But these thoughts hurt and make me really unhappy. Insert another row of being depressive after work. I never wanted to live for a career to the exclusion of everything else.
Besides, I feel annoyed with myself because I don't get this sorted out. I have learned to be organized at work, why can't I be it in my free time? I can not claim that it is the lack of time. I could set aside two hours a day. It's a lack of energy or motivation or-- I don't know.
What can I say? 2002, you were a year of some accomplishments and too much unhappiness. I don't consider you a waste, you were character building after all, but you will understand that I don't want a repeat.