Maybe it was the general weariness, maybe the not so good news regarding vacation opportunities - I didn't feel well. I tried writing and nothing came out of it. I could not focus, the computer fan was too loud, my mind blank. My inability to write drove me into more than one crying fit. Such a rare free day and I wasted the precious time.
Rationally seen, I know that I need time to just get distance to the project stress. To make the brain free for more creative activities. Emotionally, I am doubting that I get ever time for my hobbies again if I can not learn to use every free hour. To leave work behind when I leave the office and just write.
I wanted to make the start of May also a begin of returning to journaling and writing. But now I feel thwarted and despair.
I have - still - ideas. I want to shape them into stories and write them down. But I am failing, again, again and so I am increasingly doubting myself. Maybe it is just a crazy idea that I could be a writer. Maybe I should give it up, focus on the work and let everything else be. But I can't. Not yet. I will try one more time.
Actually it was jmtorres who gave me this idea. Write every day a little snippet beginning today. It must not be a whole scene or even something coherent. Just a little snippet, be it fiction, fanfiction, worldbuilding, character interview. One line or ten. It doesn't matter. Just something to keep my muse from losing interest completely.